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Royally Spammed: A Fast Food Story

September 12, 2014

 

Today's blog post comes to you in epistolary form. A few days ago, I received an e-mail from the Burger King corporation entitled, "What Do You Love Most About Burger King's New Fall Menu?" 

 

A thought-provoking question deserved a comprehensive answer. This was my response:

 

 

Dear Burger King,

 

Wow, what do I love most about your new fall menu? That’s a tough one, but let me give it a shot.

 

First, before I gush over what you’re rolling out for autumn (can’t wait for those pumpkin spice cheeseburgers!), let me tell you what I love about Burger King in general.

 

As you know, burgers are actually small hunks of flesh that have been removed from unsuspecting cows (no worries, I’m told they’re almost always dead at that point), ground up, processed, and reconstituted into patty form.

 

Some people (and, I suspect, most cows) find that whole meat hacking business distasteful, but here is the genius of your marketing department. You took this bit of messy necessity and conjoined it with the idea of monarchy. Who doesn’t love kings? (Well, 18th century French peasants, I guess. But how much fast food were they really consuming?)

 

For me, nothing brings me closer to that world of courtly glamor and intrigue than chowing down on a Whopper, crown perched majestically on my head. Heck, sometimes I wear the crown long after the dining experience. I’ve been known to mow my lawn decked out in your finery. (Note from experience: crown not recommended in the shower.) Have you considered some sort of disposable paper cape to go with it? Just spit-balling.

 

Burger King. Close your eyes and say it couple of times out loud, slowly. Let it roll off your tongue. It’s got nice mouth feel, doesn’t it?

 

And how many folks out there know about your environmental stand? “What?” the doubters would say, “Burger King, environmentally friendly?” Yes indeed. Look at the bright orange and yellow you’ve chosen for your company colors. Aside from traffic cones and police tape, those hues normally never leave the crayon box. Most kids prefer the boring blues, purples, reds and greens, so guess where the orange and yellow crayons end up? Yep: the trash heap.

 

So thank you, Burger King. Recycling the ugly hues is your way of saying, “By golly, we’re better than a landfill.”

 

As for the fall menu, I confess I haven’t had a chance to examine it as closely as I want to. But whatever you’ve dreamed up, I hope lots of mayo is involved! I know some traditionalists out there are turned off by Burger King’s liberal use of la mayonnaise. (It’s a French word, which automatically says classy, but I’m sure your marketing people knew that.) But this is the modern age we’re living in, and mayo is the grease that oils the wheels of progress!

 

Besides, what doesn’t taste better with a layer of something slippery slathered on top? From your onion rings to your breakfast CROISSAN’WICH (more French! Trés chic, Burger King) to your intriguingly named Chicken Fries and your Dutch Apple Pie, mayo is the secret sauce that adds that Henry the Eighth level of luxury we’re all striving for.

 

So thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you. And let me say that I for one, salute you—nay sir, I bow to you—the Burger King.

 

PS. Please remove me from your mailing list.

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